I've had a hard time finding the motivation to record our stories on this blog for a few years. So much has been going on under the surface for our family. Many hard things that i'd rather forget and not think about ever again. It's been a private matter regarding our son's story. So we haven't shared it except with a small handful of close loved ones. It's heavy and hard to understand. There's a stigma associated with fear when one hears it said aloud. So, i've hesitated to share it, let alone record it for posterity. But it is important to know and to understand. Most importantly, I need to share the miracles and blessings God has shown us and truths He has taught us through it all. I need to record the complete awe & gratitude we feel for our Heavenly Father & our Savior Jesus Christ. So, I ask that those who read this, please don't give up or turn from our son. Please still be there for him, love him, and be an example for him. Please have compassion on him and those like him, as you read this.
For about 4 years, our family has faced great difficulty. Kaden's behavior and mental health took a sharp, and seemingly sudden, turn when he was 15. We had him seeing an ADHD specialist to help him. But even his therapist recognized that there was more going on that was beyond ADHD. During extreme behavioral challenges, I had taken him to crisis centers here in Indy. When he graduated high school, we got him set up early in Provo to help him adjust to BYU life. But he wasn't doing well and not attending classes. I flew out to Utah in March, for what we believed was a crisis intervention. Papa came with me to take him to a crisis center, recommended by Bishop Strong (his amazing BYU ward Bishop! He was so involved and inspired). Eventually in April, Kaden withdrew from classes and we brought him home to enter a residential mental health recovery facility. The clinic he was recommended to was Evolve Indy. God's hand absolutely guided us there! Those clinicians are angels! Madelyn, Courtnie, Laci, Jake... miracle workers!! They're so good at what they do; they truly love and care about their clients. They were exactly who we all needed and I thank Heavenly Father often for connecting us with them.
After a month of being in the facility, they called to tell us the diagnosis. Unfortunately, it was the same day we learned that Grandma Lee was in the hospital and not going to make it. That was a horrible, horrible day.
Kaden was diagnosed with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder… meaning he’s on the sociopathy spectrum.) I misunderstood it at first when Courtnie (his main therapist) told me. She let me know that 3 clinicians came to the same conclusion and they didn't land on this lightly. They even sought outside professional opinions. She was so gentle and somber i didn't understand why she kept asking if i was ok and what questions i had and repeated that she is here for us. What I heard was "anti-social" as in "asocial: preferring to avoid social situations”. My inner thought: "Oh ok he doesn't like being around people, what a relief!"
Then... i googled it.
The shock was terrifying and shook my core. The word "sociopath" was all i could focus on. I read all the indicators of the diagnosis:
Deceit/Manipulation, impulsivity, Aggression and Irritability, Reckless Disregard for Safety, Consistent Irresponsibility, Lack of Remorse, Disregard for Rules and Laws.
Courtnie told me Kaden meets 6/7 indicators. The only one missing is disregard for laws, because he has no criminal behavior or substance abuse. It explains everything and we know it’s accurate. But coping has been a roller coaster: family therapy sessions, individual therapy sessions, researching, accepting, navigating… it’s all been so up and down emotionally and mentally. For the last 3-4 years we’ve been trying to understand what was happening with him. So although the answer rattled my soul, it also brings peace to both me & Spence. Peace because we know it’s true, and peace because we finally understand what has been happening to him. But it also brings deep mourning and more worry/concern than ever before. Our smart, fun, happy, gentle boy is gone. And the grief has been all consuming.
Kaden had repeatedly accused me of abuse but gave no specific incidents. Just that he feels i was abusive, to which he had even me convinced I was. For him to believe it so strongly, i must have been abusive. Courtnie called me to check in and I confessed every thing i was ashamed or guilty of in raising him. Sobbing i stated, "It's my fault he has this!" She said, "Mrs. Jones, it's literally my job to tell you if you were abusive, and i can confidently state that you were not. You were a parent with normal frustrations being pushed to her limits. I have seen and heard real abuse. That is not it." One social worker put it into perspective saying, "I can not imagine how hard it must have been to raise a child with ASPD." After one of our last family sessions, I had a moment alone with Courtnie. She told me, "Kaden talks often about what a wonderful childhood he had. The clinicians and I talk about you and your husband and how wonderful you are, how obvious it is that you deeply love each other and your son, and what a great job you did raising him. Kaden is a good person. He isn't like other people with ASPD. He likes to serve and help... he has goals to do good and be a good person. That is all attributed to your family values and his religious beliefs. In fact i've decided to specialize in sociopathy because Kaden is proof that this diagnosis can be helped. There is currently not enough help or intervention for ASPD and that needs to change."
In that moment i felt deeply comforted. Then i had the thought, "Maybe this is why it had to be our son. Maybe this was God's plan."
Despite the 30+ days of inpatient therapy and the 8 weeks of intensive outpatient therapy... Kaden still refuses to accept his diagnosis. Though the hardest blow came a couple weeks ago when Kaden cut us out of his life. During one of the last family sessions at Evolve, he stated he didn't want me involved in his life. By that point i was more than accustomed to my being his punching bag. He blames me for all that's gone wrong, so it wasn't a surprise. But what was surprising... that he now was cutting out his dad too, saying this was a permanent sever. What's worse, is he now ghosts his siblings. Its been hard and painful for all of us, but it hurts me the most to see Perry, Josie, & Charlie so confused and hurt.
In my grief I questioned God, for the first time in my life that i can recall. One night Spencer sat by me on our closet floor after the kids had gone to bed. I kneeled down weeping into a t-shirt and screaming in rage that i was so angry. Lamenting, yelling, sobbing in prayer, I said “I fought hard to be a cycle breaker! I raised my family to follow You! The spirit guided me in my parenting and i listened. I did it right and when I messed up I apologized and repented and tried again! Why did You let my son have a disorder that threw us in a fight we weren’t going to win!? I know You love me and I do love You, but i am soo angry at You!"
I desperately prayed for understanding that night and for nights to come. I prayed for a glimpse of the purpose for this part of the plan. I even prayed for a miracle to heal his mind and relieve Kaden of this. But none of that has come.
For a couple weeks, I was still angry and heavy hearted. I know it wasn't really anger I felt, but fear for my son and his future. Even in my deep despair, I know God didn’t leave me. Every time I open the scriptures, He speaks comfort and calm asking me to trust Him. I have always trusted Him and it’s always worked out better than i could imagine. So I continue to trust Him. People randomly send me talks and quotes. The Come Follow Me curriculum has been spot on what my family has needed in the moment we need it. It is not coincidence; it is God’s loving presence. Even in my raging anger in my closet that night, I could still feel my Heavenly Father’s love for me. And especially His love for Kaden.
While I am still grieving and have a deep pain in my heart, God is pouring peace into me. I feel peace and confidence that God IS taking care of my son/family. The more I work to lean on Him and let Him take it, the lighter I feel.
I am even able to feel cheerful and patient while the Lord works it all out.
I know Kaden will come back around to wanting contact again at some point. That could be tomorrow or ten years from now. He knows we're here and he knows we love him. That is one thing he has never denied. He even said he knows we love him and that we did a great job raising him. For whatever reason we don't comprehend, he has to go it on his own, against the norm. In the meantime and all the time, we have entrusted God to take care of Kaden. We have even prayed and asked that Grandma Marsha & Grandma Lee be his guardians guiding him and protecting him. And that comforts me more than i can express!
Truths I've learned through this:
From a talk a friend sent me by Jeffrey S. Bednar (providentially) titled:
"To Those Enduring Trials with No End"
It is recorded that Jesus was made perfect through suffering. If He was made perfect through suffering, why should we imagine, for one moment, that we can be prepared to enter into the kingdom of rest with Him and the Father, without passing through similar ordeals?
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland likewise taught that “salvation is not a cheap experience,” that “salvation never was easy”—requiring that we “spend at least a few moments [symbolically] in Gethsemane” and “take at least a step or two [symbolically] toward the summit of Calvary.” As a result, trials and suffering are a central part of mortality that fill us with charity and help us become like the Savior.
Framed in this way, enduring to the end requires that we allow suffering, disappointment, uncertainty, and heartbreak to shape us into disciples who think and love as Jesus Christ thinks and loves. And thankfully our Savior is not merely the destination of that journey of enduring to the end. He is an active participant in helping us through all our mortal storms!"
My whole life i'd heard my father was a sociopath. But i thought that meant he was mean & cruel. I understood as i got older that it was a psychological issue. Blake wasn't a good person. I have struggled to separate what my father did to my mother and us, with who Kaden is going to become. The hardest part of this diagnosis: there is no medicine for it and there is very little research or resources. Mostly because its hard to get an ASPD person to believe that they need help to get a diagnosis. So most of the cases don't get diagnosed until they're in jail! At that point, the powers that be figure, "well they're where they belong, so problem solved." But not all sociopaths are criminals. They're not all doomed to become criminals either. It is possible to teach them and help them learn to comply with human expectation and behavior.
Please learn more about ASPD. Because it's more common than you think! Statistically speaking, 5% of the population is on the sociopathy spectrum. That's more than autism... and we all have more than one autistic loved one in our lives. So that means we all have more than one sociopath in our lives, they just aren't diagnosed.
These undiagnosed ASPD persons are not in jail and probably won't end up jail. They're likely your surgeon, your military leader neighbor, that successful salesman you play basketball with, or the policeman on the news who was impressively calm in the chaos. Their lack of empathy or fear, but drive to be successful to benefit their lives, actually leads them to be very good in needed fields. These are examples from the internet:
- Entrepreneurship and Business: Starting, scaling, and selling companies can fit well due to a high tolerance for risk and detachment during negotiations.
- Trades and Independent Work: Jobs with minimal supervision—such as specialized contracting, technical work, or independent night-shift operations—reduce interpersonal friction.
- High-Stakes or Emergency Roles: Fields like emergency medicine, police force, tactical military roles, or high-pressure corporate restructuring can channel intensity and suppress panic during crises.
Performance and Media: Acting or entertainment allows individuals to adopt scripted personas and use external charm without needing genuine vulnerability.
I include all of this to say: we don't need to be afraid of Kaden or people with ASPD. We need to understand him and people like him to know what we can and can't expect from them. We do need to be cautiously aware of their impulses, especially the reckless ones. But like with any other neurodivergent or different from us human being... please don't shun or run. Please learn and love.
