Service & Kindness Begin with Me

Spenc & I have struggled the last long long while trying to keep the boys from arguing and to teach them to get along. We have done everything we could think of from punishments to rewards to serving each other to staying away from each other. We've also fasted & prayed and have asked them to fast & pray too.
It occurred to me on a particularly hard day with them this week... that the problem is me. Somewhere in my parenting & disciplining, i messed up. I was too harsh, too rough, overreacted, said the wrong thing....one of those, if not all of the above, did something to them. Now whether or not this is true (and I do feel it is), I knew I needed to change somethings with me to help them change the things in them to be better brothers. But I honestly didn't know how to start. So I just cried and Spencer listened. He encouraged me to pray and start over tomorrow.
That was last night.
I have always heard, and have come to truly know for myself, that the mother sets the tone for the family. Today proved it.
After praying for guidance to know where to begin changing in my parenting I went about my morning. I checked instagram and saw that today's #lighttheworld on mormon.org  (the church Christmas initiative) is "suffer the children to come unto me". It asked what do your kids do that make you smile. I immediately thought "when they play together nicely and help each other". My next thought was, "but that isn't very often lately". :(

Then I saw this post from ldsmagazine:

And it pierced my heart. I sent it to Spenc and said "This is what we need. This is what I need to do." So I worked on being calm, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, and merciful by providing do-overs & 2nd chances. The results are as follows...

I spent a relaxing hour of special time with Charlie doing  what he wanted to with me: puzzles. :) He was so patient & well behaved all day (as usual) even though he was dragged in the bitter cold to a dr appt & the BMV.

I got down to Perry's level, listened intently with full eye contact & a smile as he told me all the details of his day (he even said, "I can't take you seriously when you're looking at me like that." "I just want to make sure you know you have my full attention." "OH. OK then..." And on he went with reporting his day.) His daily report is something I always ask for, but usually hear it while I'm multi-tasking chores. I got more out of it this time. :)

I danced & hugged Kaden in the kitchen while we helped set the table and helped daddy get dinner ready. We both laughed and loved it.

I gave Josie back her Cinderella doll that i forgot I took away as a consequence months ago. I wasn't trying to be mean, i simply had forgotten all about the doll. I found it up high in her closet while looking for something I needed as a service for the kids. She was so happy and didn't let it out of her sight the rest of the day (except for a few minutes that she spent with Charlie. But that part comes later).

I reminded Charlie at dinner that it was his day for dishes and will he please help me. He happily said yes. He helped me unload but ran off when it was empty. He forgot about the load part, but I was ok to just do it. When Charlie had run off he was asking to  play a game with me. Before I could remind him the dishes needed to be done first, Josie quickly went to him and said "I'll play with you Charlie, come on!" That's rare, so I felt so proud & so grateful for her kindness right then.

Perry seeing that Charlie had left the dishes all to me, came over and started helping me load. It melted my heart and I told him so with a big hug & kiss! Then we had a conversation about if hearts could "literally" melt. :) I thanked him for his help and asked him to get showered quickly and ready for bed. He did.

Spenc went out to visit families for his EQ calling after dinner. We usually have the kids make their school lunches after dinner while mom & dad clean up the meal & big dishes. But since we just had grilled cheese, there was no mess really. So I made the kids lunches & packed them with a note. In it I encouraged them to be kind to someone at school who needed it and pray for those who aren't so kind. (Cuz tomorrow's light the world is love thine enemy)

Kaden came down after his shower and saw me carrying the lunch bags to the fridge. He looked confused and said, "You made our lunches?... thank you!" For the record: I used to make their lunches every morning but the morning is less chaotic if they're made the night before. And we started having them help make them for each other (a ploy to get them to serve one another). So when Kaden saw this he hugged me and ran off. Perry came down to inform me that Charlie didn't want to get in the bath, just the shower. So while I finished cleaning up the kitchen I asked Perry if he could supervise Chuck in the shower for a minute until I got up there. He did.

When I got to my room, I found my bed nicely made and pillows being fluffed by Kaden! I was very pleasantly surprised and said "thank you for making my bed!" He said he wanted to do something nice for me because I made his lunch... plus I gave birth to him so I deserve so much more! Ha ha! I told him how his act of service filled my heart and made me so happy! Then he went over & hugged Perry! (Also a rare thing to do without a prompt.) I said "Doesn't it feel good to serve each other?" They agreed!  Then I felt to tell them, the reason Kaden wanted to hug Perry and the reason they feel so good is because serving others fills us with love for others!

I went to the bathroom and found Charlie washing his own hair & scrubbing his own tummy (& bummy)! :) Perry had been coaching him how to wash since Charlie didn't let Perry help him in the bath. Another heart melter!

After everyone was bathed and I was drying Josie's hair, Charlie asked if he could brush Jo's hair for her. She said, "No thanks...but you can play with my Cinderella doll." And he did. I wanted to cry. :)

Then Kaden read the scriptures on my bed. Charlie climbed in Perry's lap. Jo listened carefully next to Kaden. And my heart was overjoyed!

Bedtime has never been this easy or civilized!! I was starting to think I dreamed all this and that Spencer was never going to believe me!

When I told him all about it when he got home, he kept waiting for the "but then wah wah wah..." But there wasn't one. The kids were all just kind and patient and loving with each other. Then Spencer  spoke what I had already been feeling "The mommy really does set the tone for the family." I should probably feel a lot of pressure about shouldering all that. But I just feel so happy! Happy that Heavenly Father answered my prayer and inspired me by showing me where I need to change. And what my kids need most. It's not the first time I've learned this. And it won't be the last time either. But this family is a work in progress and I have high hopes for us because of answered prayers and merciful blessings.