Parenthood. It’s definitely not like we imagined it would be. When you're young and newly married you dream about what your kids will be like and what kind of a mom & dad you'll be. I guarantee every young couple has observed parents with a judging eye and whispered to their spouse, "OUR kids will never be like that..." HA. Oh such naiveté.
We have had a very difficult year. I thought the sleepless nights with newborns and sick kids, and tantrums in store aisles was hard. But I was wrong.
As you raise children you become more keenly aware of the world around you: pitfalls, dangers, traps... rising evil. And you navigate it accordingly, often creating future safety plans to protect your family. But this year, we have had trials come up that were never on our radar. I’ve been thinking and praying a lot to understand them. Trying to grasp my role and my responsibility in it all. Trying to figure out how to shift and become what my child needs from me in this new situation. But only to find trying to do my part seemed to make it worse. So I began seeing a parenting therapist, reading more books on parenting teens, mental health, etc. It's been a huge game changer and opened my eyes to many things. But I've still been struggling with this one concept:
If it’s typical that our children reach an age of becoming rebellious & unteachable as they prepare to leave the house, then what was the point of all the teaching and guiding we did? Why did I pour my whole soul into this if they were just gonna burn it all down and do it their own way, regardless??
Spence and I have talked about this daily ad nauseam over the last year. Most recently I vented to my husband and in desperate tears lamented, "I don't understand!! We did our best! When we knew how to do better, we did better. We apologized and truly worked to be better. But it wasn't enough! So, what was the point? If it was always going to be like this, out of the primal need to rebel and venture on their own and turn against us, what was the point!?"
My sweet husband lovingly gave his best reply to calm my deeply troubled heart. He reminded me to "look at the big picture, think celestial, think of eternity..." etc. I know he spoke truth, but it wasn't a comfort to me. Because I was thinking about eternity. That's all I think about! It's my main motivator in life. Wanting my children to WANT to be with us and each other and God for eternity.
So later I poured my heart out to my Father and He enlightened my mind and calmed my heart with this understanding:
I sobbed to Him and lamented, "I did my best! I repented and said sorry when I got it wrong. I prayed and You gave me guidance. I acted on spiritual promptings, I changed what needed changing; I went to therapy for help to be a better mom, I read the parenting books, & I read the Lord's words most of all. I did all You asked in my parenting! But it isn't helping my kids! The only one growing, changing, becoming, and getting closer to You, is ME!" In that very moment, He washed total calm over my body and one word entered my heart & mind: "Exactly."
I could picture Father smiling, and I knew He was saying "Now you're getting it."
I now understand that parenting is for the parents. Through all we’ve done for them and become for them, WE are the ones growing, learning, changing. WE are the ones coming closer to the Lord. The point of parenting was never to ensure our children are who they are supposed to become by 18. I’m not sure our job was ever to succeed in making them fully-functioning-valiant-Christian adults by the time they leave the nest. I believe our job was to show up, keep them safe, give them direction/teach, and love them fiercely while praying they’ll choose the Lord’s ways.
To drive this lesson deeper into my heart, Heavenly Father inspired Sis. Wright to share some words in the adult session of Stake Conference last night. My allergies are acting up, so I had to go into the hall several times with coughing fits. I was getting frustrated with my lungs and thinking, "Why do I bother going back in, I'm just gonna cough in a minute again." But I went back anyway. Just as I entered I heard Sis. Wright share these words...
"I have 5 grown children and only 1 of them is still active in church... I fought for years to get them to do the right things... but I realized too late that they are entitled to their agency...after all, it is from my own mistakes and experiences that I have become who I am today." She went on to say that she was trying to protect them from their own mistakes, but deprived them instead of learning experiences.
It was one of those moments where I knew God was speaking directly to me through someone else. I heard her words with my ears, but they made a home in my heart that changed me, once again. I raised my eyes upward and said in my mind, "I hear You, Heavenly Father. Thank You."
Several years ago, when Kaden & Perry were leaving primary age, dad & I felt prompted to allow natural consequences to be the kids' teacher. So instead of telling them what to do and not to do all the time, like when they were little, we changed our approach. When they'd ask "What should I do?... Why can't I? ... What if I just __?" and so on, with "That's something you need to decide for yourself... you should try praying about it... do what you think is right...what is your gut/heart telling you?" They didn't like that. Partly I believe because when I was telling them how to act & what to do, if it wasn't a favorable outcome, they could point at me to take the fall. ha.
Like Sis. Wright, I wanted to protect my children from the pain of mistakes. I wanted to rescue them from hard consequences. But how can they truly learn without feeling and understanding consequences and opposition? The adult world would be so much harder for them if we succeeded in sheltering them from all of that. Home is the best place to mess up and make mistakes. Where they are loved and safe and guided by mom & dad. But there will be so many more experiences outside the home to learn too. Here at home, they've been taught how to manage their choices and work through the consequences of life. They definitely don't like it, but I pray years down the road they'll recognize their ability to handle hard things, because they were prepared at home for it.
I now understand, children won’t truly become and grow and change until they’re in our shoes: parenting beautiful perfect babies who turn into sassy-hard headed teenagers/young adults. And THAT is where they will really learn to lean on the Savior. Because it has always been His job to do the rescuing and save them.
Our job has only been to guide them to Him. And we have done that. Everyday of their lives “we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, […] that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." I recently quoted this out loud and when I heard myself say it, the Spirit emphasized that last part: for a remission of their sins! It scripture doesn't say "we teach our kids about Christ so they won't mess up. So they won't have hard times. So that they will only have peace and joy (only rainbows & butterflies!). It says we teach of Christ, so our children will know who to go to when they sin. It says it right there: our kids are going to mess up! They are going to have need of repentance, just like me! So our job is to teach them how to repent and how to turn to Jesus Christ!
So, as far as our parenting goes for Spencer & Nancy Jones…
We are doing our best. When we learn how to become better, we do better. Tomorrow, when we get it wrong (again) we will apologize, and work to do better some more. We will pray for the Lord's help, repent, and do over. And that is enough.
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