“Your VALUE is not tied to your performance.”

This is an honest and raw glimpse into the mind & heart of a mother.

We all know the role of the Holy Ghost is to comfort, inspire, teach, and deliver God’s messages. Often times those messages to me have come through other people: the church leaders, our family, our friends, our neighbors, even strangers. Heavenly Father knows who we need in our lives and when. I am so grateful to Him for His loving genius.

Yesterday I sent a Marco Polo to Bri and Kim, my mission Hermanas. I hadn’t been on polo in a long time with everything going on here. So I gave them an update. 

Bri, responded with words i didn’t know I needed to hear. The truth I learned: 

 “Your VALUE is not tied to your performance.”

I wrote it down and put it on my mirror

Bri’s words were genuinely inspired and I felt the love deeply. I felt seen by my Heavenly Father, who spoke to me through Bri. And the reason she was able to express these things is, because as a struggling mother herself, she feels like I do.

She shared what someone taught her: being a mom is like running a marathon. Your cheering section keeps telling you "you’re doing great, keep going!" All the while they pull the finish line back further. You're tired and you worry that you're not able to get there. The marathon is only supposed to be 26miles, but you're at mile 55 and they keep cheering "you're awesome, keep going". But you are dying. You've already given your all & you don't feel like you can do more.  So you end up feeling like your efforts aren’t enough. That no matter what, you're not going to get there. And their cheers & accolades aren't helping. 

That analogy explains parenting so accurately.

Bri also talked about “over performing”. I have never considered this. Yesterday I was resigned that I must be too controlling (which might be true because of my desperation to help my family be alright). Not controlling my kids decisions actually, but trying to control situations to prevent negative outcomes. Ex: if I can set up the situation well, teach them well, then all will be well! 

But I let go of some of that a few years ago to let natural consequences teach my kids. But that doesn't seem to be working either and it terrifies me. So, then I over-perform to make it right, to set the stage for their success, to spend every waking moment and every prayer trying to find the thing that will fix this for them. And when it doesn’t work, I feel like a catastrophic failure. 

Opening Bri's polo this morning, I wasn’t expecting to get the help I needed. But when she said these words, “Your value is tied to your performance”, I burst into tears and sobbed with a relief I had been longing for. It’s true; I feel that my worth is dependent on my output. I’ve acted on that notion for so long, even though I truly know it is not what God intended. 

And what are those beliefs I have of my performance?...

• If I can keep the house clean, have dinner ready on time, then Dad will be able to relax and be happy when he comes home.
• If I can get the kids to do their chores and succeed in school then they'll be hard working, financially stable adults.
• If I can ensure we don't miss scripture study & family prayer then they will surely gain a testimony and have a thriving personal relationship with God.
• If I teach them why loving others is necessary to feel joy and why family relationships are so essential, then they'll choose to stay close and lean on each other their whole lives! Especially after dad & I are gone. 

Those are just a few of them, but the ones that are most important to me. 

I have tied my worth and my value to what I do or don't do. If I check off my daily to do list, and the kids get a long... then I succeeded! I am worth something. 

If the house is a mess because I had to tend to other things or I was recovering from illness, then I failed my family that day and didn't gain my worth. 

When I put it on paper, it sounds ridiculous and illogical. And yes, it absolutely is! Yet, this is the mind and heart of a mother. Especially a mother with a traumatic background who is terrified of repeating her family's history. I have unabashedly sought counseling to work through all of these things and it has helped me to lean even more on the Savior and taught me how to heal. But I still have much growing to do. 

I've learned from Marcia French that this failure feeling is common with someone like me, raised in a dysfunctional family. Which just upsets me more, honestly. I don't want anything to excuse my behavior. I know it is the reason why I behave poorly sometimes, and I know it is valid. But I won't play the victim role. I have leaned on the Lord endlessly to overcome my past and I have worked too hard to just use "trauma" as an excuse. 

So I fight. I push. I beg. I plead. I over-perform. 

And when it doesn't work out (because that's the reality of life), I get exhausted & overwhelmed and feel like I'm failing. And Satan really knows how to use that against me. He has spent ions perfecting his chicanery of kicking you when you're down... and he can drag one down pretty far, pretty fast. 

But NO more! I will not allow satan or my past to keep me stuck there. I will grow, I will change, I will progress, & I will cross that finish line!!

Today Bri's words lit a fire back in my heart.

MY value is not tied to my performance!

My efforts are NOT in vain.

My love for each of you kids and dad can NEVER diminish!

The fight in me that I battle for your well-being, will never go away (even if you fight against me. I am going to keep holding the line to keep satan out. You can hate me for it, or you can thank me later).

Nothing matters more to me than spending eternity in the Kingdom of God with each of you. No matter how long it takes to cross the finish line; in this life or the next. I will not stop fighting for you and us. 

But it doesn't work if I'm fighting alone. So I'm asking each of you, Charlie, Josie, Perry, Kaden, & Spence... 

Will you fight this fight with me?