One bonus about recovering from surgery: I have time to sit and hold a paper book to read. (another bonus: I have time to blog!) ;) I've been reading more of Brad Wilcox's book The Continuous Atonement. Novels I can read in days and fly through the story. But books that teach me how to be a better person, especially ones that encourage doing it with Christ, I read slowly. I'll take months even a year to finish it. I read a few pages, mark it, and have to put it down to ponder what I just learned. I take some time to process how to implement that in my life. I plan how I'm going to make the changes needed in me. Every page and chapter of Bro. Wilcox's book has something that softens my heart and understanding. The first change from this book was years ago when I learned the true gift of forgiveness: it's not for the one who sinned against me. It's for me! Forgiving others frees me and you of the burden of carrying that pain. Trusting Christ & Heavenly Father with it, and giving it to Them, is so freeing! This book taught me that. And that knowledge changed my heart and liberated me from that burden and pain. :)
Today I read chapter 8 "Changing Willpower for His Power". (see the attached photo) As I read an example of a young man's experience fighting against the church, I remembered something that I felt prompted to write down for you kids...
Long before I met dad, I had an experience that later taught me an important lesson.
I had been invited to Sunday dinner at friend's parents house. I had never been there before and was meeting the parents of my friend for the first time. I knew this family loved to laugh and play jokes, but I wasn't expecting one as a first time visitor.
Being that I love antiques, I took an interest in the cool old items around the house. The mom gave me a tour of all the antiques she displayed in her home, but took special pride in her upright piano. It had belonged to her grandmother. As I admired the piano, she excused herself to check on dinner and left the room. My friend had gone to use the bathroom. Understanding the delicate state of antiques I am always careful not to touch them. I even keep my hands behind my back to ensure I don't bump anything. I took my time looking over the items displayed on the piano top. As I turned around to explore the rest of the room, my long skirt brushed against the piano leg and the leg fell over with a loud thump! My friend came back in the room just then and saw the leg on the floor at my feet. I was shocked and confused as to how it happened. My friend looked at me and said, "What did you do??" Before I could reply, his mom appeared next to me with a hurt expression, looking right at me she said "Did you do that? Did you break my grandmother's piano?" I stammered trying to find words and was trying to make sense in my mind how it had happened. My face felt hot, I couldn't feel my toes. I quickly insisted, "No! No, I would never! I didn't touch it, I'm sorry I don't know what happened!" My friend now looked disgusted and said, "Why did you do this to my mom?" I could feel my hands trembling and felt absolutely sick to my stomach and over come with unwarranted guilt and confusion. I was fighting back tears. I felt like I had done something terribly wrong and had deeply hurt this family and their deceased grandmother. Then suddenly, the two of them burst out laughing! I was even more confused now. The mom explained that the leg has been broken for years because they can't find someone to fix it properly; it doesn't fit right and just rests there. Even a gentle sneeze can knock it over!
Ohhh well then! Immediately all the guilt, confusion, and sick feelings went away. After all, it wasn't ME that was broken... it was the piano! I felt tremendous relief knowing the piano had something wrong. Not me.
Many years after this experience, around 2019-2020, we had friends choosing to leave the church. These were good people whom I loved, who served in the church, who showed up to help. It didn't make sense. Why were they leaving the truths of Christ's teachings that helped them? I really struggled with this and felt a deep sorrow for them and their families. It wasn't until a while later that I learned about the sins they had been hiding. Some of those sins were pretty common. But other of their sins were pretty heavy and damaged their families. I was trying to understand these friends, praying to know how I could help them. One day, the broken piano leg memory came back to my mind: "It wasn't ME that was broken... it was the piano!"
I understood instantly what the Lord was teaching me: in the case of my friends leaving the church, they felt broken, guilty, & terrible for the things they did in secret. But if they could manage to convince themselves that the Church is broken & the Gospel is flawed... then they don't have to own that they are the broken ones. If God is broken or not real... If Christ's Gospel or His church are broken... If it's all a lie, then they don't have to be accountable.
(This is not a judgement of those of us who choose to leave or who struggle to stay on the path. But an explanation so we can understand others. So we can have compassion on others. And not just for them, but understanding and compassion for ourselves!)
The reality is my dear family... we are ALL broken! We all have issues, pain, damage, illness, & sins. We all have things we'd rather hide than have to own. But being broken is ok! Jesus wants our brokenness: "And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost, [...]" 3 Nephi 9:20
Being broken reminds us why we need Jesus Christ; "the One who was "bruised and broken for us will allow mortality to do its work in us, but He doesn't want us to face those challenges alone." -Emily Belle Freeman
We may feel broken because of what we have done or we may feel broken because of what someone else has done. In either case, when we feel broken... turn to the Lord. Turn to your family. Turn to your bishop.
We can never truly hide anything. God knows it all. And He wants to help. He longs to help us! That's why He gave us His perfect Son to be our Savior, to rescue us.
In my 43 years of being mortal, i have had to place a lot at the Savior's feet. There have been thousands of things in my life that I've asked Him to heal, carry, fix, remove, prevent, soften, change, and relieve. Every day. And not once has my prayer been met with "You've met your quota of problems I'm willing to solve, Nancy..." or "Nope, this one's on you! You did it, you fix it."
Instead, every time I lay something at His feet I feel answers like "Thank you for giving this to Me." or "Finally! I've been waiting for you to give me this. Doesn't that feel better?" and most often the feeling I get is "Let's do this together. Me and you."
So the next time you feel too broken, too messed up, too horrible of a human... remember that Jesus wants your brokenness. He wants it so He can fix it. He is the only one who can. So please, give it to Him!
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