This was a hard day for me. Hardest one my heart has had in a long time. I cried before seeing Kaden on the bus to middle school. I tried so hard to be strong and hide my anxiety for him. But while we waited together at 6:30am, he looked up at me and saw my tears. He asked, "Are you crying?" I lied, "Nope." He laughed and said "Yes you are!" Then he threw his arms around my waist. :) So grateful for that. The other day when we toured the school I was overwhelmed by how HUGE it is compared to his elementary school. The building has the jr. high on the south side and the intermediate school on the north side, but it’s all one building. I really talked up how awesome it was going to be and he was so pumped to start! I did a great job pretending like I was really excited for him. When inside I was totally freaking out like “What if he forgets his locker combo, what if he doesn’t get along with the kids in his classes, what if he gets lost, what if, what if, what if?” Kaden is the kind of kid who really wants to be good and do good and is hard on himself when he messes up. So I was nervous for him. I was praying so hard that nothing would go wrong on the first day and that he’d be ok. I just wanted his first day to be perfect so he’d feel confident and have a good start.
While I stood there with Kaden hugging me, I said another pleading prayer that today would be perfect and he'd be ok. Then I felt a calm come over me and I had the thought to tell him, “Kaden, it’s ok if you get lost today. You just ask someone for help to find your way back to your class. It’s ok if you can’t open your locker or remember your combination. It’s ok if you mess up on a rule because you’re learning a lot right now. It’ll take some time, but you’ll get it all down. You’ll mess up a bit in the meantime, but you’ll get it.” I watched him relax a bit and he smiled. Then I cried and he laughed and hugged me again. :)
Watching Perry & Josie get on the bus was equally difficult. It tore me up to see Josie literally have to climb onto the bus. She was so excited but nervous. Perry was just ready. They happily waved goodbye and we blew kisses. Then the bus drove off. I went inside, headed straight to the bathroom, and cried and cried and cried. ugh. My babies!!!
I worried that Charlie would be bored without his siblings. But he just came up to me and said, "Do I get Mommy-time now??" He was so thrilled to have me all to himself. I admit, it was really fun to have one-on-one time with Chuck all day long. He talked a TON! There was no one to interrupt and he just jabbered on & on saying the cutest things. At Kroger he entertained himself by putting stickers everywhere he could think. He had me smiling the whole time. :)
All day I was excited to hear how the day went for the school kids. Kaden got home first and when he got off the bus after school, I waited until the bus was out of sight and I ran and picked him up in a bear hug! I asked him for the first day report, and he said with a smile & a laugh… “I got lost! I ended up on the jr high side somehow! But I did what you said: I went to the office & this nice man said I was the first lucky one to get lost this year. He walked me back to my class and gave me a chocolate bar! I even found my locker, opened it on the first try, and already memorized my combo!” I cannot explain how relieved my mama heart was to hear all that and gave a big thank you to Heavenly Father for answering our prayer in such a tender way!
When Perry & Josie got off the bus, Josie came running looking flushed and worn out but so happy! Perry looked chill like Hey. What's up? Just another day doing school like a boss. :) I hugged them both so tight! They told me all about their day and friends they made and the best part of school. Josie got to see Perry at recess and it made her whole day better!
My heart is full of gratitude that I have a Father in Heaven who cares whether or not our kids have a good day at school. Who cares about my mama concerns. Who loves me and understands how it feels to send a child into the world to learn and grow. It's hard to let go, but it's necessary for their progress in life. And I'm forever grateful that God is guiding us in every step so that Spenc & I don't have to parent alone.
As I thought about this day I realized theres a lesson to be learned here that I want to make sure my children understand: Is it ok to get lost? Yes. You can find your way back. BUT if you know the way, don’t go getting lost on purpose. Any time we've been lost, I know if we could do it over, we'd prefer not to have been lost in the first place! Know this: making a mistake, messing up, sinning … does NOT make you a bad person. There is no limit to how many times we need to repent. But again, don’t go getting lost on purpose, even if you think you know the way back. Satan sends us down a slippery slope, and it is a hard climb back up. But we can and MUST get back up. Never allow yourself to go down a path & come to a point where you don’t recognize who you are. Where you have forgotten who you are. You are our child! You are God's child! We love you & we want to be with you forever & ever!
God does NOT forget us. He has not & will NOT forget you. The hard truth is: It’s US who forgets Him! We forget Him when we don’t talk with Him in prayer. We forget Him, when the words of our friends in text & social media become more important than reading His words in the scriptures & conference talks. We forget Him when we don’t help & serve others. We forget Him when we don’t stand up for the weak, visit the sick, or comfort the lonely.
When you have this experience when you question if He has abandoned you… or if you are right now feeling that way, feeling lost… you’re not the only one. Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail asked, “Oh God where art Thou?...How long shall [we] suffer…”. The Savior Himself in Gethsemane, “… fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him. And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.”
Heavenly Father LOVES YOU! He wants you to come home. He has given us every single instruction we need to know to pass this test! He’s given us all the answers and the Way back to Him. He has laid the plan out and said, "Here’s a Savior. Follow Him and you’ll be happy!!” And yet sometimes, we say NO. Sometimes we learn from those rebellious moments. Sometimes we don’t. We can’t be mad at God for being just and fair and keeping His law. He gives us infinite chances… which is why He sent the Savior. To try again & again & again…. The POINT is that we are trying. We will never get it all correct all the time, but you & I are going to keep trying. When you mess up, get back up and try again.
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